don't forget to breathe

Opening Doors

2009-08-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

I just came across "Wishcasting Wednesday" which asks:

What door do you wish to open?

Right now many doors are open for me; almost all of them in fact. Now I wish to open the door to my higher self, to the one who knows that I will be ok, who knows that everything I have done up until now has led me to this position, and it is where I should be. I want to open the door to faith and a belief that I will make the right decisions, that I will choose my future based on what I need for myself not what makes sense to other people. I want to open the door to the self who is open, not fearful, who helps others rather than always protecting herself, who knows the universe has enough for everyone and doesn't have to fight to get what she wants. The door is open and I'll be there to greet whatever comes through it, with a smile.

Change

2009-08-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

The phrase 'be careful what you wish for' keeps coming to mind right now. I don't want to be careful though, I want to wish wish wish and have it come true, and to be able to deal with the ramifications of my wishes, which is what I'm doing right now.

Recent changes:
1) My father passed away last weekend (obviously not one of my wishes!)
2) I have told my workplace that I am taking compassionate leave for one week but will not be returning after that
3) I begin house sitting next weekend and have the opportunity to keep house sitting for a long time, as long as I don't mind packing up my belongings every couple of months to move to a new sit.

I have wanted to leave my job for 2 years and have wanted to live alone for as long as I can remember. Suddenly, within the course of one momentous week, these things are mine.

Now, of course, comes the nagging fears.
1) I won't have any money
2) People told me I was so good at my job: what if I'm not good at anything else
3) What if I'm crazy and ungrateful and nothing good is going to come to me
4) The biggest one: what if people don't like what I'm doing. What if I'm not good enough?!

Basically, with freedom comes fear, because you know longer know what's ahead. I need to be ok with this. The world is big, the opportunities are immense, I love and at the same time am terrified of my new situation.

But the situation is what I've been asking for (let me stress again, I don't mean my father's death). I am free, the world is open, I will be ok no matter what happens. I will trust the shakti!

Thoughts on dying

2009-08-02T01:51:00.000-07:00

• I have been observing my thoughts in relation to my father’s illness a lot, and I can see that I am able to consider what is happening without too many unhelpful emotions jumping on board. He only has a few months to live, at best.
• My view of death has changed through studying yoga. Instead of anger at the world, cigarettes, whatever, and angrily yelling at the universe I seem to realise that although he is my father and close to my heart, his body is a body and it doesn’t matter what he has done or what he ‘deserves’ but his body is breaking down and that is the reality. It’s not a punishment it’s just something that happens when the body can’t go on anymore
• I watch others reacting to the news with sadness, of course, but with an accompanying fury and a hope that they can change things. For me, there is a level of detachment and I can ask openly about how he feels and what he thinks of the state he finds himself in. There is some kind of okay-ness about how things are going to go, because things are what they are no matter what any of us want.
• When he asked me how I feel, I related how all I know is that we can only live moment to moment and not compare how we find ourselves now to how it was before or what could be better than this.
• There is no guilt with the way I feel either, which is nice and surprising. Considering this is one of the biggest things to ever happen in my life, to be able to deal with things in a rational way is, to me, amazing

And the truth is....

2009-07-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

It is not any deep, life-altering yogic truth that I am going to write about. It is a truth about myself, that although isn't particularly harmful, is darn ANNOYING.

I AM A PROCRASTINATOR. There, I said it. Big deal, I hear you say. And you're right, it's not a big deal, and I suspect most of us are guilty of procrastinating at one time or another. I find, though, that I don't just procrastinate when faced with boring or difficult tasks. I also faff about before doing something I have been looking forward to. I have been looking forward to spending time today, Sunday morning, to writed a journal entry for my yoga journal (a requirement for my teacher training course). I blocked out the time in my diary so I wouldn't have any distractions. And this is what I've done just this morning instead of getting stuck into writing:

* walked for an hour (good for physical and mental health, but still procrastinating)
* asana practice
* a load of washing
* called my sister
* opened and read Friday's mail, that I didn't open Friday because it seemed too boring then
* read a yoga newsletter
* tried to remove a light bulb that is stuck
* made several cups of coffee ('I'm going to start writing as soon as I've had this')
* checked several 'important' websites like Facebook and yoga blogs
* and now, blogging on my own blog

I now have 45 minutes left to complete a journal entry, as I'm busy this afternoon. And I'm sure when I speak to my friends later I will be complaining about how 'I've got no time for anything' and 'My yoga course takes up SOOOO much time'.

Gotta get out of this habit!

Factors that influence flexibility

2009-07-18T18:22:00.000-07:00

During my most recent teacher training session my asana teacher discussed things that may affect one's flexibility in yoga besides tightness of muscles. They included:
* bone structure (differs slightly person to person)
* gender (as a general rule women tend to be more flexible overall)
* time of day (ie in the morning we tend to be stiffer)
* temperature of the room/body
* amount of sleep one has had
* foods recently ingested - the more toxins, the less flexibility

I hadn't truly realised the effect of food on flexibility. This awareness may help me to curb my chocolate and coffee addictions!

Can anyone add to this list?

Following my heart

2009-07-14T05:06:00.000-07:00

What do you do if you KNOW you need to get out of a current situation but you are concerned about letting others down? If you know that a decision you want to make will cause a lot of extra work and effort for others, how do you justify going ahead with it?

For two years I have worked in a job that my heart has never been in. However, since I am on a contract (which ends in December) I keep going in, plugging away, smiling all day. A colleague recently said, "You're always smiling, I often wonder 'What is she on?'" Just goes to show that it doesn't take much to fool people.

After spending two weeks away from work, with much of that time focused on yoga and contemplation, I returned yesterday, and know I cannot keep up this facade until December. It is not the workload, it is not the actual tasks I need to perform; it is that I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF when I am at work, and it hurts me. I try to take yoga to work with me...I try to experience each moment wholeheartedly, I try to truly listen to others and give them everything I can, I try not to expect anything from my colleagues and accept them for who they are, and I try to have gratitude for all that I have.

It just isn't working. Is it that yoga isn't working, maybe because I'm not a good enough yogi? Or is it that yoga is showing me that I cannot continue in my current job, that things need to change?

I just want to be who I am, as I know that we are all perfect just how we are.

Tomorrow, I need to have the strength to tell my coordinators the truth, and be brave enough to go through with sacrificing the familiar to step into the unknown.

Vanilla Chai

2009-07-11T01:32:00.000-07:00

I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but for the first time today I made chai with vanilla soymilk rather than plain soy milk, and it was so delicious! I used Vitasoy Vanilla. Although the photo shows the rather lovely New Zealand Manuka honey, you don't really need to sweeten it at all as the vanilla soy milk is sweet enough.
Mmmmm delicious.

Notes from my practice

2009-07-08T04:07:00.000-07:00

I woke up to my alarm, tired but eager to begin my day of yoga practice. My first thoughts, apart from registering my fatigue, were about what I lost two and a half years ago; these thoughts are the impetus for setting aside a day of dedicated practice. I have been letting my memories drag me down, I have been dwelling on them and identifying with them, and the result has been a noticeable irritation with life.

I reminded myself to be present, to bring my mind to what I was doing.

It was freezing. The previous morning had been the coldest so far this year, and this morning wasn't feeling any warmer. When I opened the curtains I wasn't surprised to see a blanket of frost on the grass. The windows were covered with condensation, for which I was grateful. I could see the sun rising behind the tree tops, but I knew anyone on the street glancing up at my window would just see a moving blur as a practiced my asanas. Before I got active, though, I put the heat on in the practice room while I made a hot drink.

My asana practice focused on standing poses, specifically Virabhadrasana I and II, Trikonasana, Parsvottanasana and Ardha Chandrasana after some Sun Salutations. Having awoken unrested, I was soon feeling my energy draining away, and spent some time in Viparita Karani before Savasana. I felt momentarily disappointed that my planned active practice turned out to be exhausting rather than invigorating, but in the spirit of the day I dropped those thoughts, and mindfully ate a breakfast of boiled eggs and rye.

I ventured out for a walk in the surprisingly bright sun. Although it is winter, and only about 14 degrees, there was a blue sky and no breeze. I took off my polar fleece and felt the sun on my arms, and after walking for a bit it felt like Spring. The dew on the grass sparkled and I wished that I'd brought my camera. I didn't walk my normal route around the edge of the park; instead, I walked closer to the centre to be near the big old trees, and later, to feel the spaciousness in the middle of the deserted sports fields.

After asana and walk, meditation was easy to slip into, and I experienced a new sensation: waves of well-being that actually cut through any background mind-chatter that was going on. Like a wave surging through the ocean I could feel this sense of well-being obliterate physical discomfort and mental activity. I have never felt this before. For me, meditation has been a stillness of mind (when I'm lucky) between bouts of uncontrolled vrttis. Bliss has never come to me, but today I got a sense of it.

During my yoga reading I came across an article about meta-commitments, which are unwavering commitments one makes that reflect one's true self. These commitments are able to withstand any disturbance in the external world, and can guide decision-making and life direction. I started to think about my own meta-commitment, based on my awareness of my true self thus far, and I came up with this:

My meta-commitment is to connect fully with the other beings who share my life, recognising and honouring the universal energy that runs through us all.

To do this I need to be open and fearless, without having expectations of what these connections will bring me. This has been coming for a long time. I have a deep dark fear that I am not really interesting and that people will get bored of me when they know me better. This fear/belief influences the friends I choose and the chances I take. Many of my friends are people I have little emotional investment in, because then I won't get hurt if they withdraw their friendship. Sometimes I even take yoga classes where I am not impressed by the teachers, because it is less emotionally taxing than attending classes with teachers who I love and respect. I mean, how would I feel if the teacher didn't notice me that session, or if they spent more time talking to the more confident students? My ego might be hurt. Ah, there it is. My ego.

In the past I have missed many opportunities to engage with interesting and stimulating people who have offered friendship or even love to me, because I thought they were seeing something in me that didn't exist, and they'd soon be bored of me anyway. I can see now that this has much to do with my ego, and as usual I have been projecting my expectations onto others in my life. I feared hurt, disappointment and rejection, and since I wanted them to like me so much, I couldn't take the risk.

So, no more. From now, I will say yes when a friend invites me somewhere, even if I might not fit in. I will recognise the energy and light in the people I am with, without having expectations about how they perceive me. I will go to the yoga classes with my favourite teachers and will just be, without projecting hopes that they will acknowledge me and stroke my ego. I will be vulnerable and have trust. Yes, I will trust the Shakti!

House Arrest on Wednesday

2009-07-07T02:01:00.000-07:00

Whilst I have been on holidays I have noticed that my mind's tendency toward reminiscing about the past has been re-ignited. This usually happens once I free my mind from work-related thoughts, but unfortunately the focus tends to be on heartbreaking incidents from the past which my mind clings to and re-lives in an effort to change what has happened long ago. It tries to barter with the universe to see if things could change now, for the better. "I'm a good person and I only want this one thing..." "When are things going to go my way?"... that type of thing. Horrid and wasteful, but the workings of a normal mind.

Yoga teaches us not to compare what is to what could be; it teaches us that the present is the only thing that is real, therefore dwelling on the past or projecting our desires onto the future is fruitless and a waste of the perfect time that we have right now. So I know that my mind's desire to change things, improve things, to acquire things goes against my efforts to follow a yogic path.

Tomorrow I will be spending a day under house arrest of the yoga type, dedicating hours to asana practice, meditation and reading and writing about yoga. Here is the approximate schedule I will be following:

7.15 – 8.45 Active Iyengar-inspired asana practice focusing on standing poses
8.45 – 9.30 breakfast and shower
9.30 – 10.30 walking
10.30 – 12.00 meditation
12.00 – 1.30 yoga reading/writing
1.30 - 2.00 lunch
2.00 – 4.30 meditation
4.30 – 7.30 yoga reading/writing (eat snack when hungry during this time)
7.30 – 9.30 Quieter asana practice with focus on sitting twists and restorative poses
9.30 – 10.30 reading

There is nothing harsh or unpleasant about this schedule. It is not supposed to be a bootcamp. I am not getting up earlier than usual, or punishing my body with gruelling practices. Instead, I have set up a day of yoga that I am excited to participate in, that will still allow me the time and space to go inward with no distractions, and experience the stillness and presence in the moment that I seem to be lacking in my daily life. I have included several hours of yoga reading and writing, as I feel that these practices are the ones most likely to be interrupted on any given day. I have also included a walk because, well, I like walking.

Tomorrow there will be no TV, no laptop, no mobile phone. No socialising. No planning. Only yoga!

"Moving Towards Balance" and consolidating your home practice

2009-07-01T22:02:00.000-07:00

After many years (13 actually) of yoga classes, as well as undertaking yoga teacher training, I still feel there is a major area of yoga I have neglected: my home yoga practice. Asana practice, to be more specific. I have no trouble (well not much trouble anyway) meditating at home, but when it comes to practising the postures I have often unrolled my mat, put my foam blocks in position, and then thought: now what? I have a couple of excellent yoga DVDs that I follow but I often want to practise in the morning and don't want the noise of the tv. I have some yoga books too, but the poses are often presented individually, when I really want some clear sequences to follow (especially in the early morning, when thinking is not my specialty).

Enter Rodney Yee. His book Moving Towards Balance: 8 Weeks of Yoga with Rodney Yee is the most helpful resource I have come across for consolidating a home yoga practice. Rodney Yee is a world-renowned, Iyengar-trained teacher whose love of yoga and desire to share its benefits shine through in this book. You do not need to be an Iyengar student to benefit although he does use props such as blocks, a bolster, belt and blankets (you can make do with items from around your house) but you do need to be open and willing to try variations on well-known asanas (Iyengar students will be familiar with them). Yee encourages this experimentation with the poses to gain an understanding of what works for you at the stage of yoga you're working at, and also to reinforce connections between different postures.

The book presents an 8 week home course that requires 6 days a week of practice (around an hour a day), but if you cannot practise 6 days it is perfectly fine to practise less frequently and just take longer to complete the course (skipping bits is a no-no as you won't experience the same benefits). The postures are broken down into standing poses (week 1), sun salutations (week 2), backbends (week 3), twists (week 4), inversions (week 5), forward bends (week 6), headstand (yikes! week 7) and then several sequences that incorporate the poses learnt previously in a balanced way (week 8). The next section is the icing on the cake: information about how to create your own personal home sequences and how to customise practices to suit your needs.

Is this a book for everyone? Well, I'm not sure that it's ideal for beginners, as there is not much information on how to get in or out of poses, or on what is important for 'correct alignment'. It also tackles some difficult postures - personally I wouldn't have felt ready for headstand so early on in my practice. But for experienced practitioners who are confident in the postures it is an excellent resource for gaining direction as to how to put sequences together, so that you can practice well between formal classes. It is also important to note that this book is very much focused on asana practice, with just a little breath awareness and meditation thrown in, but the devoted practitioner will need to slot these into their practice as they see fit. I have been turning the short meditations at the end of Yee's sequences into 30-60 minute sessions, depending on the time I have.

An excellent addition to your yoga bookshelf!

Abhyasa and 'Living Your Yoga'

2009-06-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

Wednesday's To Do List:

Do Asana practice, have shower, eat breakfast, work for 9 hours, go to meeting after work, drive for 45 mins to yoga teacher training, do training for 3 hours, drive 45 mins home, do reading for assignment, do grocery shopping, cook and eat dinner, wash dishes, organise clothes for tomorrow, sleep. Somewhere in there, have a few meaningful conversations with colleagues and housemates. Oh, and don't forget, meditate for an hour!

As part of my Yoga Teacher Training course I am required to meditate for one hour a day; no excuses. The reasoning behind this requirement is sound: a firm, regular meditation practice will make us yogis aware of the countless benefits meditation imparts; hence we will continue to practice upon completion of the course.

Since beginning meditation practice I have experienced many benefits: less likelihood of reacting unpleasantly to those around me; an ability to quiet the chatter in my head using tools such as mantra or focusing on the breath; reduced likelihood of falling back into old habits; less projection of my expectations onto others and the universe; and really just an overall sense of wellbeing.

What I have found difficult, however, is the ability to incorporate an hour's meditation into my daily life. To me, asana practice is equally as important, as I have found the benefits of this to be the most useful tool for healthy living that I have ever come across. I regularly refer to my asana teachers as 'life savers' and I don't think I'm overstating it! Other forms of exercise are also important to me: an hour's walk in the leafy park near my house brings incredible benefits to my mind and body. Spending quality time with friends or family over delicious food is another necessary ingredient for quality living, as is reading, reading reading (yogic texts and anything else).

Since 9 to 10 hours of my day are spent working (either at work or finishing work at home) the remaining hours need to be spent wisely!

And that's where Judith Lasater comes in. Today I was fortunate enough to find some affirming ideas in her yoga text, Living Your Yoga. In the chapter titled Discipline, Judith discusses how she once met a woman who meditated for 5 minutes every day without fail. Being a dedicated practioner of yoga, Judith found this amusing, and wondered what such a short practice could achieve. Upon reflection however she realised that practising meditation with full awareness for the amount of time that is realistic for you is an excellent example of abhyasa (constant effort/practice).

This reminds me that instead of trying to cram things in and carrying out tasks in an unthinking manner, I can participate consciously in daily activities, with the intention of being present in each moment. This is yoga. Therefore the need to set aside unrealistic amounts of time for meditation, asana and pranayama is not only unnecessary but may be hindering my efforts to lead a yogic life.

I am now inspired, and am going to come up with a realistic structure for spending quality time in daily asana and meditation practice whilst being able to give attention to those other rich, important aspects of life.

Yoga for Spiders

2009-06-27T01:27:00.001-07:00

In yoga we are taught the value of observing our thoughts and noticing how they make us feel and act. We begin to realise how we take these thoughts to be more than just mind stuff; we believe them to be a true representation of reality. Taking the time to observe our thoughts and thereby allowing some time between a thought and an action is one of yoga's most wonderful gifts, one that brings positive changes to our relationships as we learn to listen closely, communicate calmly and consider our responses to other instead of flying off the handle.

This saved the life of a spider today.

As I sat in my bedroom checking my emails I noticed a little black ball on the carpet. On closer inspection I realised it was a spider. Being moderately arachnophobic I have learned to live with these minibeasts in a relatively non-violent way. Meaning, if there is one in my bedroom, I sleep downstairs. Tonight however my reaction to the sight of eight unexpected legs invading my personal space made me look for the closest heavy implement suitable for squashing the intruder.

But I stopped myself. I got down on the floor and took a closer look at him. Dark brown, kind of pointy looking. Unpleasant. I googled "Australian spiders" and found that he wasn't the white-tail or wolf spider I had been expecting; it was just a common black house spider. I got back down on the floor and put a small box near the spider, thinking maybe I could carry him outside. As I watched, it tentatively crawled into the box and kind of huddled in the corner in a protective way. Do you know what it reminded me of? Me. You. Anyone trying to protect themselves in an unfamiliar and possibly threatening environment.

And thus, through taking a moment to consider my actions before thumping the spider, I was able to recognise that common energy which runs through all things, spiders included! The importance of ahimsa has been reaffirmed for me today.

Yoga Indulgence, Melbourne-style!

2009-06-26T03:55:00.000-07:00

I decided to give yoga a go in 1996, when the Yogendra Yoga Education Centre brought their style of yoga to the Monash University Short Course Centre. I was hooked from the first class. The only way to describe it, and the way many other yogis might describe their own experience, is that yoga made my body feel exactly the way it should: it felt stretched, it felt balanced, it felt strong, it felt VITAL.

Since those days I have dipped in and out of yoga and stumbled upon a number of different styles, but the majority of my experience has been with teachers of the Iyengar and Gita traditions. These traditions, while completely different, have provided me with immeasurable joy, and I continue to absorb their wisdom on a weekly basis. However, now that I am on the teacher training path I have decided to branch out: in other words, I am on a mission to indulge in the wealth of yogic experiences offered in my area of Melbourne.

A Google search of ‘yoga Melbourne northern suburbs’ elicited a huge number of results, and after a bit of sorting I have come up with a list of the first eight yoga classes to check out:

v Prana House (High St, Thornbury)
v Land of Yoga 5 hr class (Plenty Rd, Preston)
v All About Yoga (Melville St, Brunswick West)
v Gokula House Meditation Centre (440 Smith St, Collingwood)
v Satyananda with Satya Grierson (Eaglemont)
v Kundalini House (St Georges Rd, North Fitzroy)
v Ananda Marga (Clauscen St, North Fitzroy)
v Yoga in Daily Life (Corsair St, Richmond)

As of today I am on holidays from work for 2 weeks, giving me plenty of time to get out there and try new things!

Bee

Welcome!

2009-05-28T02:43:00.000-07:00

Hello, and welcome to my blog. As a long-time yoga devotee and a current yoga teacher trainee I have found much value in reading the blogs of experienced yoga teachers. One of my course requirements is to write regular journals detailing my observations as I integrate yoga into my daily life, and the more I write, the more I want to share my observations with others. So thank you for reading.
Bee