What do you do if you KNOW you need to get out of a current situation but you are concerned about letting others down? If you know that a decision you want to make will cause a lot of extra work and effort for others, how do you justify going ahead with it?
For two years I have worked in a job that my heart has never been in. However, since I am on a contract (which ends in December) I keep going in, plugging away, smiling all day. A colleague recently said, "You're always smiling, I often wonder 'What is she on?'" Just goes to show that it doesn't take much to fool people.
After spending two weeks away from work, with much of that time focused on yoga and contemplation, I returned yesterday, and know I cannot keep up this facade until December. It is not the workload, it is not the actual tasks I need to perform; it is that I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF when I am at work, and it hurts me. I try to take yoga to work with me...I try to experience each moment wholeheartedly, I try to truly listen to others and give them everything I can, I try not to expect anything from my colleagues and accept them for who they are, and I try to have gratitude for all that I have.
It just isn't working. Is it that yoga isn't working, maybe because I'm not a good enough yogi? Or is it that yoga is showing me that I cannot continue in my current job, that things need to change?
I just want to be who I am, as I know that we are all perfect just how we are.
Tomorrow, I need to have the strength to tell my coordinators the truth, and be brave enough to go through with sacrificing the familiar to step into the unknown.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hi Bee, this post really moved me! Your blog is lovely in its honesty and rawness.
ReplyDeleteRegarding this post, I would have to say: The Yoga is most definitely working!! I sometimes feel like we Yogis and Yoginis get so wrapped up in the physical and disciplinary elements that we forget the "heart" of Yoga: Yoga is spiritual transformation. Key word - transformation. Sometimes it changes you so radically and deeply in a short period of time that you feel like you are out of breath! Sometimes the process is slow and barely noticeable until it has already occurred - like a flower blooming.
So the fact that you can no longer tolerate a situation that makes you unhappy is a sign of this transformation. Your priorities are re-aligned. You are moving towards a great realization of freedom - the dawning awareness that you are in charge of your destiny and you can make the choices that will make you happy. Choose freedom, Bee!!
You have my blessings and support! I will keep following your blog.
Namaste,
Bree ( :) )
Thank you for your support Bree. I have spoken to my coordinators today and am now going to be working 4 days rather than 5, which is a small victory but will free up some much-needed time for yoga and contemplation, and just doing the things I truly love!
ReplyDelete:-)
Hi Bee, I have just found your blog and I love it! I teach yoga and I remember going through the same things that you are right now, and the thoughts and feelings u are having is yoga working in it's most amazing way!
ReplyDeleteYoga helps you unravel and then notice what is and isn't working, things that you would usually put up with now seem impossible.
Good luck with your journey and I understand what you are unveiling Lisa :)