Opening Doors

I just came across "Wishcasting Wednesday" which asks:

What door do you wish to open?

Right now many doors are open for me; almost all of them in fact. Now I wish to open the door to my higher self, to the one who knows that I will be ok, who knows that everything I have done up until now has led me to this position, and it is where I should be. I want to open the door to faith and a belief that I will make the right decisions, that I will choose my future based on what I need for myself not what makes sense to other people. I want to open the door to the self who is open, not fearful, who helps others rather than always protecting herself, who knows the universe has enough for everyone and doesn't have to fight to get what she wants. The door is open and I'll be there to greet whatever comes through it, with a smile.

Change

The phrase 'be careful what you wish for' keeps coming to mind right now. I don't want to be careful though, I want to wish wish wish and have it come true, and to be able to deal with the ramifications of my wishes, which is what I'm doing right now.

Recent changes:
1) My father passed away last weekend (obviously not one of my wishes!)
2) I have told my workplace that I am taking compassionate leave for one week but will not be returning after that
3) I begin house sitting next weekend and have the opportunity to keep house sitting for a long time, as long as I don't mind packing up my belongings every couple of months to move to a new sit.

I have wanted to leave my job for 2 years and have wanted to live alone for as long as I can remember. Suddenly, within the course of one momentous week, these things are mine.

Now, of course, comes the nagging fears.
1) I won't have any money
2) People told me I was so good at my job: what if I'm not good at anything else
3) What if I'm crazy and ungrateful and nothing good is going to come to me
4) The biggest one: what if people don't like what I'm doing. What if I'm not good enough?!

Basically, with freedom comes fear, because you know longer know what's ahead. I need to be ok with this. The world is big, the opportunities are immense, I love and at the same time am terrified of my new situation.

But the situation is what I've been asking for (let me stress again, I don't mean my father's death). I am free, the world is open, I will be ok no matter what happens. I will trust the shakti!

Thoughts on dying

• I have been observing my thoughts in relation to my father’s illness a lot, and I can see that I am able to consider what is happening without too many unhelpful emotions jumping on board. He only has a few months to live, at best.
• My view of death has changed through studying yoga. Instead of anger at the world, cigarettes, whatever, and angrily yelling at the universe I seem to realise that although he is my father and close to my heart, his body is a body and it doesn’t matter what he has done or what he ‘deserves’ but his body is breaking down and that is the reality. It’s not a punishment it’s just something that happens when the body can’t go on anymore
• I watch others reacting to the news with sadness, of course, but with an accompanying fury and a hope that they can change things. For me, there is a level of detachment and I can ask openly about how he feels and what he thinks of the state he finds himself in. There is some kind of okay-ness about how things are going to go, because things are what they are no matter what any of us want.
• When he asked me how I feel, I related how all I know is that we can only live moment to moment and not compare how we find ourselves now to how it was before or what could be better than this.
• There is no guilt with the way I feel either, which is nice and surprising. Considering this is one of the biggest things to ever happen in my life, to be able to deal with things in a rational way is, to me, amazing

And the truth is....

It is not any deep, life-altering yogic truth that I am going to write about. It is a truth about myself, that although isn't particularly harmful, is darn ANNOYING.

I AM A PROCRASTINATOR. There, I said it. Big deal, I hear you say. And you're right, it's not a big deal, and I suspect most of us are guilty of procrastinating at one time or another. I find, though, that I don't just procrastinate when faced with boring or difficult tasks. I also faff about before doing something I have been looking forward to. I have been looking forward to spending time today, Sunday morning, to writed a journal entry for my yoga journal (a requirement for my teacher training course). I blocked out the time in my diary so I wouldn't have any distractions. And this is what I've done just this morning instead of getting stuck into writing:

* walked for an hour (good for physical and mental health, but still procrastinating)
* asana practice
* a load of washing
* called my sister
* opened and read Friday's mail, that I didn't open Friday because it seemed too boring then
* read a yoga newsletter
* tried to remove a light bulb that is stuck
* made several cups of coffee ('I'm going to start writing as soon as I've had this')
* checked several 'important' websites like Facebook and yoga blogs
* and now, blogging on my own blog

I now have 45 minutes left to complete a journal entry, as I'm busy this afternoon. And I'm sure when I speak to my friends later I will be complaining about how 'I've got no time for anything' and 'My yoga course takes up SOOOO much time'.

Gotta get out of this habit!

Factors that influence flexibility

During my most recent teacher training session my asana teacher discussed things that may affect one's flexibility in yoga besides tightness of muscles. They included:
* bone structure (differs slightly person to person)
* gender (as a general rule women tend to be more flexible overall)
* time of day (ie in the morning we tend to be stiffer)
* temperature of the room/body
* amount of sleep one has had
* foods recently ingested - the more toxins, the less flexibility

I hadn't truly realised the effect of food on flexibility. This awareness may help me to curb my chocolate and coffee addictions!

Can anyone add to this list?

Following my heart

What do you do if you KNOW you need to get out of a current situation but you are concerned about letting others down? If you know that a decision you want to make will cause a lot of extra work and effort for others, how do you justify going ahead with it?

For two years I have worked in a job that my heart has never been in. However, since I am on a contract (which ends in December) I keep going in, plugging away, smiling all day. A colleague recently said, "You're always smiling, I often wonder 'What is she on?'" Just goes to show that it doesn't take much to fool people.

After spending two weeks away from work, with much of that time focused on yoga and contemplation, I returned yesterday, and know I cannot keep up this facade until December. It is not the workload, it is not the actual tasks I need to perform; it is that I DO NOT FEEL LIKE MYSELF when I am at work, and it hurts me. I try to take yoga to work with me...I try to experience each moment wholeheartedly, I try to truly listen to others and give them everything I can, I try not to expect anything from my colleagues and accept them for who they are, and I try to have gratitude for all that I have.

It just isn't working. Is it that yoga isn't working, maybe because I'm not a good enough yogi? Or is it that yoga is showing me that I cannot continue in my current job, that things need to change?

I just want to be who I am, as I know that we are all perfect just how we are.

Tomorrow, I need to have the strength to tell my coordinators the truth, and be brave enough to go through with sacrificing the familiar to step into the unknown.

Vanilla Chai

I'm probably preaching to the choir here, but for the first time today I made chai with vanilla soymilk rather than plain soy milk, and it was so delicious! I used Vitasoy Vanilla. Although the photo shows the rather lovely New Zealand Manuka honey, you don't really need to sweeten it at all as the vanilla soy milk is sweet enough.
Mmmmm delicious.